Frank Lampard. What do we know?

When Jose Mourinho tried to buy Frank Lampard last summer, a CFCnet staffer wrote an impassioned article telling Frank to leave, not in faded glory but Cantona-esque with his reputation intact. The theory being it’s best to leave on a high rather than let your sporting reputation die in front of everyone’s eyes…..you know, Ricky Hatton style.

Said author also had one eye on Chelsea’s bank balance. Last summer Frank was holding out for a new contract and when he finally sealed it on August 13th 2008 the amount totalled an eye-watering £39 million over the course of a five year deal. With the ghost of Winston Bogarde floating ever-present in the Matthew Harding Lower, it was felt that if Frank got seriously injured or started to decline in stamina, then Roman would have been sold a pup.

It goes to show, what do we know?

Frank has simply been phenomenal this year, without question his best season ever. Another 19 goals again underlines his breathtaking ability to drift into the box at the right time and tuck the ball away often at crucial times. Who can forget his last minute header against Wigan? His last gasp shot against Stoke? His vital Champions League brace against Liverpool?

Frank’s now averaged approx. 20 goals for a straight fifth season. In percentage terms, that’s equivalent to 0.39 goals for every game he plays in. No wonder he’s the only Premier League midfielder alongside Matthew Le Tissier to have scored more than 100 goals.

It’s not just Frank’s goals either. Alongside Dimitar Berbatov he boasts the most number of assists in the Premier League creating goals for everyone, especially Malouda, Drogs and Anelka who have thrived on the sharp angular passes that have set them loose on goal.

Just as impressive has been Frank’s attitude both on and off the pitch. Professional in defeat his actions at the end of the Barca game brought dignity to bear on a situation that was already careering out of control. Each time he’s been called on to lead the team in JT’s absence, Frank’s martialled his team mates vocally and effectively. We haven’t lost with him as Captain this season.

When called on to meet fans, Frank’s always willing to sign autographs often enquiring as to the correct spelling of the name he’s dedicating his autograph to. When CFCnet met Frank at the Fans Forum visit to Cobham, a nicer more down to earth fellow you couldn’t wish to meet.

It’s therefore fitting that last Thursday Frank became the first Chelsea player ever to win Player of the Year three times. From all of us at CFCnet, congratulations. As for the staffer who wrote that Frank should leave, well….he now plays for CFCnet’s youth team. As a reserve.

Who ate all the pies?

Mr Wheeler, doyen of Row 12, Row U in the Matthew Lower, summed it up perfectly, “I swear Malouda’s wearing shoulder pads.” He’s not wrong either - next Season’s home shirt looks like it’s been butchered by Vivienne Westwood circa 1988.

Perhaps that’s being a bit harsh because Mrs Chelsea thought it sleek enough to loosen the purse strings and allow me my first home shirt since Ruud Gullit magisterially strode into Stamford Bridge in the mid-Nineties. It’s a decent colour, a proper Chelsea blue with white stripes. None of that yellow nonsense.

The only criticism would be those breast plates infused with Adidas’ Climacool technology. It makes the fabric look pock marked – a sort of fashion acne. The cut is tight and its square shoulders make even the weediest schoolboy look like he’s got a physique belonging to Mike Tyson.

Overall it’s a good effort but one has to take issue with the fact that it’ll be replaced this time next year. Wasn’t it only a few years ago that Clubs came in for fierce criticism because shirts were changed every TWO years? Now the media clamour has all but died and fans are expected to fork out for a new home shirt every May, a new away shirt every July and a new third strip every August. That’s a total of £120 every season if you want to replace each shirt. It’s money for old rope and a bit shabby.

Most strange of all though is the fact that Chelsea fans must be getting fatter. What else can account for my 1989 shirt, in a large size, being smaller than my 2009 home shirt which is medium sized? It’s not the Persil either. The bottom line is that fans are getting bigger. If you don’t believe me pay a visit to the Club shop and have a look at the 8 XXL size – put a few poles in it and you’ve got a tent for six.

Goodbye Guus

Not since Gianfranco Zola joined Chelsea in November 1996 has one man made such a profound difference as Guus Hiddink. Just like Franco before him, the arrival of Guus saw an immediate improvement in the Club’s performances to the extent that it’s been calculated we’d have won the League with over 100 points if he’d joined in August.

His record says it all – 14 wins, 5 draws and 1 defeat, an extraordinary return equivalent to a 70% success rate. Comparisons? Alex Ferguson’s Man United win rate is 57%, Benitez’s is 56% and Wenger’s is 57% across their respective tenures.

Critics might argue that to compare Hiddink’s 20 games with Fergie’s 1,274 games for United makes statistics irrelevant. Perhaps so, but Hiddink also had a 70% success rate with PSV Eindhoven and a European Cup to boot. Makes you think.

It’s therefore with a heavy heart that Chelsea fans say goodbye to Guus. After January’s despondency which saw Scolari axed as well as a 3-0 defeat to the Mancs and a nasty scare at home to Stoke, the arrival of Guus lifted us all. Starting with a highly impressive away victory at Villa Park, it didn’t take long before the team visibly lifted in confidence and the fans pride became noticeably restored.

Highlights? Arsenal’s heaviest home defeat in 32 years was perhaps pick of the bunch as was our semi final day out at Wembley. Perhaps his greatest feat was to lay bare the myth of Barcelona as some sort of footballing Hercules and to expose their mortality. Only Ovrebo’s outrageous refereeing stopped Guus from lifting his second European cup….

It was therefore fitting that not only did Guus receive a spontaneous standing ovation during the second half against Blackburn, he was also treated to chant after chant imploring him to stay. The player’s guard of honour, once granted to Claudio Ranieri after 4 years service, says it all.

Thanks for everything Guus, we’ll miss you.

referee death threats

Following widespread reports linking death threats made to Norwegian referee Ovrebo from CFCnet's Forums, CFCnet has issued a press release to clear the air. Here it is in full:

Following widespread in the media, CFCnet would like to set the record straight regarding ‘Chelsea fans death threats made towards the Norwegian referee, Tom Henning Ovrebo’.

This is important as CFCnet has been widely quoted as the forum responsible for the death threats.

Upon detailed investigation of our website and forums, we have discovered that the death threats were made by a young 17 year old boy from Perth, Australia. The lad in question, Curtis Brand, took umbrage at Ovrebo’s refereeing whilst using our live, unmoderated match day forum. To view Curtis’ threat click here:

Link: http://forums.cfcnet.co.uk/index.php?showtopic=42626&st=50

The young boy, obviously unaware of the media storm that would follow said, “I am seriously considering flying to Norway and killing the ref”.

The post, one of 1,057 made during the game, was live for 25 seconds before new posts created a brand new forum page for members to post on.

CFCnet abhors threats and violence of any kind, and has issued a written warning to Mr Brand stating that he will be banned from CFCnet for life if he makes any similar threats in future. This warning applies to all CFCnet members and users.

We have since spoken to Curtis’ father who has agreed to suspend Curtis’ membership of the Perth Gun Club and to confiscate his legally owned Magnum 45. He has also been barred by Rockstar Games from playing Grand Theft Auto 4 and by Ripcord Games from playing Postal 2.

Curtis’ father has also thanked CFCnet for letting him know about his boy’s murderous tendencies and has immediately placed him under psychiatric supervision. Mr Brand senior added, “Curtis receives ten Aussie dollars a week and we estimate he couldn’t have flown to Norway without saving up for four years so the referee would have been safe, at least up until 2013.”

CFCnet would also like to censure The Daily Mail, The Guardian, Reuters, London Lite, The London Paper and even The Independent for running such a ludicrous anti-Chelsea story. A slow news day chaps?

Finally, CFCnet would like to put on record that we echo Guus Hiddink’s view that Ovrebo’s refereeing display was the worst either we or he’d ever seen. Whilst not wanting to be seen to be xenophobic, CFCnet has also cancelled its end of season fjord cruise party and thrown away 5 tins of the finest Norwegian pickled herrings.

Season Ticket Blues

May’s a nasty month for any Chelsea fan. Coming second in the League? Losing a final? Maybe. But just as worse is the wallet-wrenching tug coming from Eddie Barnett and the less-than-patient chaps at Chelsea’s Ticket Office.

It’s Season Ticket renewal time.

In the good old days of thin crowds and relegation threatened seasons, season tickets were never an issue at Chelsea because you could always get a ticket, be it standing or sitting. For this reason we had the lowest season ticket take up in the Football League One and the Premier League. The grand total? Just over 2,000 fans.

It wasn’t until the mid-nineties stadium re-building and Gullit’s ‘sexshhhy futbull’ that the ability to walk in off the street came to an abrupt end. This coincided, not by accident, with Ken Bates deciding that this was the perfect time to claw back his £1 that he paid in 1983 for the Club and make some profit. All £18 million of it.

Media interest in Chelsea ticket prices reached fever pitch with ‘outraged from Pinner’ and ‘pissed off from Kingston’ widely quoted amongst the national and London press. They had a point. Ticket prices sped from £7 to £25 in the space of a few years. That’s a 350% rise.

Which brings us to today. Now I’m not one to publicly applaud the Club but given that the Matthew Harding Lower price is just £635 you’ve got to admit that’s good value. Basically it’s £33 a game. That’s a fair price when you consider that Arsenal are charging £1,700 for a standard season ticket with Cup Games included. That’s bloody expensive, even more so if they get knocked out of competitions early.

It’s strange then, after years of criticism about Chelsea’s ticket prices, that the media are silent in their reporting of what is an impressive statistic: no season ticket price rises for 5 years.

The month of May will always hurt though. All £635 of it. Just glad it’s not Mrs Chelsea’s birthday this month. And a word to the wise – never get married or give birth in May. You’d never be able to afford Chelsea again.

The Goon Show

After Champions League heartbreak and a media storm about Drogba’s use of the f-word, the prospect of a visit to the Emirates seemed as welcome as a visit to the dentist. Little did we know the dentist would be using laughing gas!

And boy did we laugh. Marooned in the Upper Tier of the new North Bank amongst thousands of Goons, the first fifteen minutes were painful as shot after shot rained in on our goal. Then, in the blink of an eye – bang, Alex – bang, Anelka. Cue nitrous oxide.

Strangely at half time the Arsenal concourse bar area was upbeat. Perhaps it was the sunshine and balmy weather? Or is that Arsenal have a different breed of supporter? Certainly at Stamford Bridge if we were two-nil down there would be concentrated analysis of the half followed by stormy debate. At the Emirates, conversation wandered between stock options, women and the quality of the beer amidst weak smiles.

Still, it didn’t take long before the Goons were choking on their pies. Bang, Toure - and after Bendtner’s lame effort - Bang, Malouda. That’s the biggest defeat Arsenal have suffered at the Emirates and the first points dropped at home since December. It couldn’t happen to a nicer Club.

The Chelsea end were in good voice particularly as the goals started flowing. Top chant: “We’re staying at home, we’re staying at hoooommme, f**k UEFA we’re staying at home”. The bouncy chant looked particularly impressive but not everybody joined in. Come on chaps, if 4-1 away at Arsenal won’t make us bounce, what will?

Funniest sight of the day had to be Jim, who had steadfastly remained rooted to his seat all game, jump up when Malouda put away the fourth. On realising what he’d done amongst a seething cauldron of angry Goons, Jim shouted “what a load of bollocks, what utter rubbish, guys I’m off home I can’t watch any more of this crap” before throwing his programme angrily on the floor! A quicker exit I’ve yet to see as Jim hastily walked to the exits before sprinting down the stairs. Top sight!

We then popped into the Wig and Gown, Arsenal’s version of the SO bar to enjoy a pint deep into enemy territory and casually agree with everyone there that Arsenal were the Top 4’s equivalent of Newcastle United. One wag even suggested that perhaps that Wenger song had some grain of truth buried within it, after all, the team keep on getting younger and younger! Mischievous to say the least and one we seriously disagree with ;-).

In all seriousness, this was a top display. Professional to the core with the ironic chants of ‘boring, boring Chelsea’ not being lost on the attendant 55,000 Goons.

Media Hypocrisy over Drogba

At CFCnet we admire the media in the same way that Anders Frisk pines for Jose Mourinho. Over the years, we’ve witnessed at first hand how journalists write what they want and carefully select their sound bites to give their opinions more weight. This week’s been no exception with Channel 4 News asking CFCnet to visit their Gray’s Inn studios for a ‘little chat’ and TV interview.

The chat in question? The aftermath of Wednesday’s semi final defeat when the players rounded on the referee Ovrebo and Didier Drogba sweared at the camera using the f-word.

Our response? We turned the air blue ourselves….

“Look, you lot are the perfect examples of media hypocrites. There are twelve cameras based around Stamford Bridge and the producer chose to show Drogba swearing into the camera. An accident? I think not.”

“Do you think we’re stupid? Live TV works on a brief time delay and if Drogba had shouted ‘you absolute f***g c**t, you absolute shocking b****d c**t of a referee’ do you think it would have been shown? Of course not, the producer would have been sacked that same night.”

“The producer knew what was said and selected that camera shot purposely because he or she thought it would make great television. This whole controversy is self-generated to give you more TV content. Simple as.”

At this point, Channel 4 butted in but we continued……

“You lot are shameless. Channel 4 broke the television record for use of the f-word when Gordon Ramsey said it 132 times on the Great British Nightmare. Why? Because his pastry, God forbid, was overcooked. Drogba said it once, in a Champions League semi final watched by 1 billion people.”

Channel 4 tried again to interrupt but we carried on…..

“When Channel 4 were criticised over Gordon’s Ramsey, your press spokesperson said, ‘It was after the watershed. The swearing is a expression of Gordon's passion’. If Gordon was overcome because his pastry was slightly singed, what do you think Drogba felt like in a Champions League semi final littered with referee mistakes? In any event, Drogba swore after the watershed too.”

“You really are the epitome of media hypocrites, the sort of journalists that write about a cocaine scandal whilst visiting the toilets frequently for another ‘line’.”

“We’re not buying it and we’re not coming on your show. Cheers.”

As far as CFCnet is concerned, we couldn’t fault the way our players put heart and soul into their Champions League campaign, not just on Wednesday night but throughout the whole season. They get an A for effort. Ten out of ten. Including before, during and after Wednesday’s game.

That’s more than we can say for journalists like the Indies’ James Lawton and the Standard’s Matthew Norman (a spud with a small club chip on his shoulder) who are decent writers, sure, but their intellect makes any sane man weep.

Thank God for real football journalists like Brian Glanville, Patrick Barclay, Henry Winter (just), and Gabriele Marcotti. We also hold in high regard an excellent Israeli football hack who writes for Ha’aretz and is a true football fan, if what Charlton serve up can be called that, but we promised not to shame him.

Aside from these select few, most media are shameless parasites where the phrase ‘investigative journalism’ means finding out whether the biker courier’s delivered the next ‘line’ – and we’re not talking sentences.

Robbed

What is it about the Champions League and Chelsea? Penalty shootout heartbreak against Liverpool, the width of a post in Moscow and now 3 blatant penalty appeals turned down and a last gasp equaliser from Barcelona. I’m choked. Along with tens of thousands of others.

Football can be a cruel game but this was the injustice equivalent of being run over by a car and being sued for tyre damage. It hurts and it hurts bad. All I can say is that last year’s Terry penalty in Moscow was far more heartbreaking and we came back as strong as ever. It’s how you react to defeats that defines you, not how you celebrate victory.

In the 80’s and early/mid 90’s Chelsea were labelled as the ‘nearly Club’ as neutrals drooled over our football yet curiously omitted the fact that we got thrashed 4-0 at Wembley by the Mancs and turned over by Zaragoza and Lazio in the Cup Winners Cup semis to name but three incidences. Top of the list was our draw with Leicester and defeat by West Ham at home which cost us the league in 1999. Nearly Club.

Since then we’ve progressed to the top of the pile. Almost. We’ve buried our Premier League ghosts, buried our FA Cup and League Cup yearnings and our attention is on the Champs League. But just like in the Nineties, we are now the nearly men of Europe. We’re not there yet

All we need now is patience. We’re one of the top three Clubs in Europe. Eventually our time will come. Just like it did with the Premier League and just as it did with the regular FA Cup appearances and League Cup victories.

Our name is massive all over the world and deservedly so. I was walking down a street in Cologne last year and saw a Chelsea themed bar run by Germans. Our Club crest was there on the high street in big letters. IN GERMANY.

Tonight we were the better team. We played against twelve men and Mr Platini, an ever-present shadow resenting our great Club.

We’ll be back.

If Hiddink goes we’ll need a new manager (a top class Champions League specialist who has the respect of the players) and a re-building job to get a proper age balance in the team. A new striker and winger must be our priorities as well as a midfielder.

Chin up.

Martin Rowe

Houston, we have a problem...

I'm writing this on Monday May 4th, what could be the beginning of an epochal week for Chelsea Football Club. With Barca shorn of Marquez (injured), Puyol (suspension) and Henry (injury) surely there could be no better time to be playing the Catalonian's in a Champions League semi final? Yes, they have the best attacking line up in world football but like any attacking team, they have defensive frailties too.

With Stamford Bridge in full voice and 'Carefree' echoing around a tight pitch, I fancy Chelsea to win - and win they must in order to win the tie because at some point Barca are going to score.

But that's not the problem.

The problem is if Chelsea do win, how the **** are we fans going to get to Rome?

Plane? Think again because on Tuesday night Arsenal play Man Utd in the other semi final. That means that whichever team wins, all flights from England to Rome and any nearby (think 300 mile radius) airport will be sold out because the Mancs or Goons will have got there first.

There are only 20 daily flights to Rome with a capacity of 300 people per plane. That's 6,000 seats per day - with 30,000 Goons or Mancs snapping them up immediately their semi final is over. By kick-off on Wednesday night every ticket'll be gone. Already flights to Rome are booked out. Those that are left cost upwards of £500. And that's before either semi has kicked off.

Plane? Fuggedaboutit unless you travel with the official Club trip - and who's to know what's available? Certainly, if you haven't got a ticket you won't be going on an official Club trip anyway (that eliminates 80,000 members because all Final tickets will go to Season Ticket holders).

Car? If you fancy 900 miles with a stop off in Lyon that won't be too bad. But it's a helluva shlepp. It'll be like the Italian job only more boring. Nasty.

Train? Paul Hoffman of the New York Times' tale of the Zurich-Rome express is enough to make anyone wince: http://www.nytimes.com/1988/06/12/travel/by-train-from-rome-to-zurich.html?sec=travel.

What to do? Some people are already hedging their bets and buying flights in advance to Ancona and Perugia for £180 return on Ryanair. Perugia's 80 miles from Rome and a two hour train trip - make that three on a bad day - but it's still a decent punt. The problem is that there are no outward flights on Tuesday and no return flights on Thursday. Damn. Any away trip veteran will tell you that the best tip is always to make a hasty exit in case you lose. Sitting around Rome for 48 hours if we've lost, whilst dodging the Roma buttock knifers, won't be a pleasant experience.

But at this moment it looks like the best option. The million dollar question is, do we risk £180 now and hope we get through Wednesday's tie or leave the flight booking till after the match and find there is nothing available? To lose £180 on Wednesday night as well as seeing our team crash out could simply be too much to bear.....but surely it's better than seeing the mighty Blues win and finding there is no way to get to Rome except walk?

Answers on a postcard to World's End Estate, King's Road.